Self-sabotage is very common. It can be such a habitual form of behaviour that you may not even be aware that you do this to yourself. Therefore if things are not going so well for you at present, or you always feel that you make the same mistakes, it can be helpful to stop and consider if you are your own worst enemy.

Are you guilty of any of these things?

❗Not being able to take a compliment

❗Putting yourself down

❗Not speaking up when you need to

❗Shouldering too much blame for a mistake

❗Letting someone else take the credit for something you have done

❗Standing back and letting others go first, too often

❗Accepting betrayal as normal

❗Paying more than your fair share

❗Doing more than your fair share

❗Agreeing with people to keep the peace

❗Putting too much emphasis on being liked

Reading through this list will give you a good idea of whether or not you self-sabotage on a regular basis. Becoming aware of this tendency can be a big eye-opener, and maybe prompt you to take some remedial action. It may also be helpful to understand that some people, unless they are very fond of you, tend to take advantage of this behaviour and even rely on it – in order to avoid taking full their responsibility in certain areas.

Self-sabotage directly relates to low self-esteem. Whether this is a result of something recent occurring which has shaken your self-confidence, or a long entrenched pattern that you can recognise, you might like to begin take some steps to begin to reclaim your sense of self worth. Don’t despair, as the positive aspect of being able to identify your tendency to self-sabotage means that, once you are aware of it, the gloves are off! With awareness comes the opportunity to improve your current situation.

Raising self-esteem

Before tackling any big changes you may need to start the process of building confidence in your ability to make some self-affirming decisions. I recommend that you buy a journal and make a list of the circumstances that cause you to feel discomfort. If you do this over a month say, slowly a pattern will start to emerge. You will begin to understand how often certain things or people get you down or frustrate you. Tuning into these feelings and noting them is very important because it will soon become clear how often you feel as if you are out of your comfort zone, or if certain situations are unfair.

Take it slowly and be gentle with yourself as you start this process. Instead of being self-critical or feeling guilty for having these feelings, examine them one by one, and write down all the things associated with each feeling of discomfort. Once you have identified what is going on in each case, ask yourself if you deserve better treatment, or if there are things or parameters you could put in place to improve your situation and allow you to feel happier. If it is one particular person or a group which is causing you undue grief, explore the possibility of limiting your exposure to this situation, or think about how you could find a way to enlist help in your dealings with them.

By breaking things down and looking at them one by one, you will gain a clearer understanding of the dynamics at play. And from there you are in a much better position to muster the courage to work out a few strategies on how to take back some control. It may be as simple as learning to say no politely, without apologising. Sometimes all it takes to gain a little more confidence is having a firm belief that you are entitled to a better deal. Starting small and working towards tackling the harder issues is the key here.

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